I Married a Lizard from Outer Space

I Married a Lizard
from Outer Space

Naturally, I was looking forward to a deliriously romantic honeymoon—having just got married to the most beautiful, sexiest woman in the world.

Unfortunately, though, this supposedly “most sexy chick in town" turned out to be nothing more than—a Lizard from Outer Space!!!

On the outside—she was tall, dark, charming and so very enjoyable. I had a decent job at Wal-Mart—selling tires and automobile equipment. I was the top salesman in fact—all the women customers liked & trusted me. I was pretty smart and knew my stuff. I thought she loved me—but what a fool I was. I had no idea she was a LIZARD—a cold-blooded nefarious alien Lizard from another world. A Lounge Lizard —from Outer Space!!!

It was just awful—our supposedly romantic sexy honeymoon at the No Tell Motel at Niagara Falls. I wasn’t promiscuous like all those other guyz at Poughkeepsie High. I didn’t mess around with all those lascivious cute pimply-faced bad girlz—the easy ones who went down on those pushy arrogant muscular Porky Pigs on the Poughkeepsie football team. They tried to get me drunk on weekends—out there at the Snake Pit Drive-In under the stars. But I stayed virgin and chaste to the end—I wasn’t some tacky hustler like all those other guyz...

It’s all my fault, I suppose though—because I fell head over heels for this Snake from Outer Space. I should’ve known better—skanky Snakes from outer space are no different than the terrestrial ones who dated the Porky Pigs. Was I any better though?

Lueez & I ended up living in the local white trash Zero Trailer Park in the back of the city dump. Of all the Tramps in the Universe—I had to get stuck with a Tramp from Planet Zero. There in the Zero Trailer Park. Zero love, Zero sex—Zero everything. It was just awful the way it worked out—but then things got worse...

Lueez's debonair mild-mannered slick-chick façade—it was all fake. There was this monster from outer space behind her polite disguise. They’d landed just outside of town—a whole gang of extraterrestrial creatures. These Lizards oozed their way slowly into town—hanging out at the local bars on weekends. My so-called wonderful wife was assigned the job of Top Priority Nasty Duty #1—getting to know just how easy Earth boyz were.

It was rumored all over the Milky Way that us Earth boyz were easy that way—that’s what all those Grade-B teenage sexploitation movies at the Snake Pit Drive-In were all about. “Teenagers from Outer Space,” “Mars Needs Women,” “The Monster from the Black Lagoon,” “Zontar the Thing from Venus,” “Attack of the Giant Shrews,” “The Giant Gila Monster”—all those crummy sexist Grade-B drive-in flicks. There were just excuses for stupid high school guyz—to neck around and get to know just how easy chicks could be. Actually it was the other way around...

It was just awful—those atrocious double-features out there in the fuckin' sticks under the greasy old K-Y full moon. All that crummy stale popcorn, those awful hot dogs and slurpy, noisy Orange Crushes mixed with vodka. The endless weed & speed & acid trips: all cheap aphrodisiacs.

Those Passion Pits outta the ‘50s and ‘60s are all gone now—abandoned weedy parking lots, ancient ruined relics of us skanky Baby Boomers growing up back then. All those junkers & muscle-cars all the guys drove around in—chopped '57 Chevy's, tons of Ford pickups, a few lumbering, chrome-hog Cadillacs & DeSoto's. Later the sleek garish '59 Fins, Big V-8 engines, used Trojans left scattered in the dirt, sobbing virgins mostly boyz.

Lots of cars, booze, dope, rubbers, popcorn...plus lots of Big Egos. I don’t get nostalgic for any of those days one little bit—because that’s how I ended up Married to a Lizard from Outer Space!!!

"Jeeze, Lueez!!!" I'd say. You want it again? Wasn't once enough, darling? I don't know if I can do it again. That's when she'd go down on me & get a second wad. She gummed me to death; she was pretty good at it. But still I ended up bruised and black & blue. If I only knew... "The Thing" from outer space was actually in the backseat & not up there on the screen.

Being married to a Snake from Outer Space—it was a really skanky thing to happen to a guy. Lueez wasn’t just a normal run-of-the-mill slimy bug-eyed slimy monster. No, No, Nanette. She was the Pits. I just had to end up getting stuck with the biggest & ugliest Slut there was in town—that was somehow my biggest mistake. There’s nothing worse than a gnarly alien ugly Snake—a Skank like Lueez can really fuck a guy's life over.

You know what they say—in sickness and in health? Until death do you part? That’s what happened to me—I almost kicked the bucket in bed one time. Lueeze was pealing my cheesy uncut foreskin back one time. Before blowing it or sitting on it for a long pony ride.

I lit a cigarette & happened to look down at her. Only to have a bug-eyed Lizard creature look back up at me!!! She'd always insist on making love in the dark... she said was shy & felt ashamed about sex. That didn't stop her from draining me every night...fucking it, sucking it and getting her extra-long tongue up my asshole when she rimmed me all the time.

Big mistake... flicking my Bic that night. I got to see my wife as she really was... and it wasn't pretty. She didn't look human... her face was more like an Iguana lizard from down there in Mexico. She had this big slimy slit for a mouth—and a big old nervous-twitching red forked-tongue. Flicking in & out of her lizard-slit... so that was her fiendish French tickler!!! The one she used to tickle & torture me to death with!!!

It was so scary and disgustingly mind-fucking. And wouldn't you know it? I was right in the middle of starting to have an orgasm. That’s how I ended up with a sprained neck & having to wear a neck-brace. Lueez didn't seem to care... all she wanted was to get her lips on it. Milking that last spastic wad outta me...enjoying me going spaz, shooting my poor brains out, getting off on me whimpering & spraining my poor neck...

It was the last time we had sex... for at least a week. She kept me gagged & handcuffed to the bed posts the rest of the weekend. Keeping me loaded on horrible Martian aphrodisiacs... as she & her coven of E.T. whores & space sluts met in the living room. Discussing what to do with me... now that I knew the awful extraterrestrial secret of their cunt conspiracy to take over Poughkeepsie...

They tuned to their Great Queen Bee... the ancient intergalactic swollen pussy up there in the center of the creamy, cumly Milky Way. The order came down from on high—that I was to be reamed to death inside-out there in the dumpy bedroom of our ratty old trailer in the Zero Trailer Park.

The last thing I remember was... Lueez strapping on her killer Sick Zombie Taser-Gun Vibrating Dildo & fucking me to death. It could've been worse I suppose. I heard they had this terribly painful Splooge Roter-Rooter Dildoe Gun... nefariously called “Zontar the Thing from Venus.”

But I was at Death's Door dontchaknow... my poor Earthboy broken heart had simply had enough. Betrayed by badnews Lizard love... sucked dry by skanky Snake-Oil suction-lips. That's what happens... when you marry a Lizard Chick from Outer Space.... But then I was desperate for Love I suppose. Even Snake love from Outer Space—was better than nothing at all & lonely nights. Kinda? Sorta? Maybe?