Gay Almanack

GAY ALMANACK

—for Djuna Barnes

Dennis Cooper: Dame Evangeline Musset

Born gay and on a mission to recruit others who says to us all: “Am I not the Most Commendable One, the Literary Gay Genius herself, my millions of minions of readers and fawning New York Times critics seeing what I do with the young innocent transient Tricks of the Trade so well, and yet just look at me. Such a Modest Queen am I not?”

Richard Howard: Doll Furious

The cute Manhattan Tricks bought by Doll Furious brought her to the chic Literary Certainty, she sighed, that she was indeed the new Big Apple Baudelaire, Rough Trade being her special Flowers of Evil, her fervid famished Style with the rambling Meanderings  of Miss Proust and her melancholy Remembrance of Things Past, every Trick for Doll Furious in her Swish Through Life, needed her Special Seal of Good Cocksucking Approval as well as her money?

Taylor Lautner: Patience Scalpel

Patience Scalpel the new pouty James Dean & replacement for brooding Brad Pitt, portrayed by Hollywood moguls as the latest butchy hetero heartthrob for all the Ghost Mall Cineplex girls & ghouls, finally comes outta the closet, my dears, from Top to Bottom, Inside and Out, taking the role of “I Was a Teenage Werewolf” far beyond Miss Michael Landon’s lukewarm hirsute burlesque “New Moon” performance to ever new heights of young male gay Lycanthropy Love in the new Oscar Winning Top Ten Thriller “I Was a Queer Werewolf for Gus Van Sant.”

Edmund White: Cynic Sal

The Baths and Red Light Boylove Cruising Districts in New York City burned at both ends for Edmund White and then when Death came to the Big Apple in Spades, Cynic Sal escaped to Paris ahead of the Plague. There she became Miss Genet, Our Lady of the Fifties, Miss Proust, Our Lady of Tea and Marmalade and Miss Rimbaud, Our Lady Voyant and Abyssinian Gun Runner—much to absinthe-besotted laments of Miss Verlaine who ended up getting ditched in Paris and left behind along with all the other Prissy Parnassian Queens. As Miss Edmund White’s literary fame grew, she became Our Lady of Gay Literature, sharp as a tack, sitting in Miss Cocteau’s nice sleek Rolls-Royce limousine, driving fast straight down to Orphée’s Hell, chauffeured by haughty Heurtebise and escorted by some butchy black-leather jacketed Motorcyclists dressed to kill. Down Miss White went—and it wasn’t for Eurydice either, honey.

Sarah Palin: Tilly Tweed-in-Blood

Sporting a Monocle and Believing fervently in Spirit Circle Jerks, the infamous Alaskan Governess came down to the Arizona Temple of GOP Republithugs to assume the Throne. Senator McSame and Tilly Tweed-in-Blood were planning to be the Leaders of the next Dynamic Douchebag Dynasty. And this is what Tilly Tweed-in-Blood said on her nomination night: “Just because a woman like me wants to be Vice President doesn’t really mean I wanna be Miss President. But if I were the next Prez and POTUS I’d make sure that we recognize one All American Thing: GREED  is the name of the Game! If the old Geezer McSame kicks the proverbial bucket, I’ll make sure that greedy Wall Street and the greedy Banks of New York City as well as the nice greedy Ponzi-Scheming Lobbyists leeching the Land will take over the Great Potomac Beltway once and for all. And that there in the humid rotting depths of that sacred Foggy Bottoms swamp—the Senate will Bend Over, Touch their Toes, Spread their Cheeks and invite Big Business and the Corporate Globalization Goons to Fuck Them Real Good from here to Moon!!!!

Hilary Clinton: Duchess Clitoressa of Natescourt

Already nightly when the Secretary of State, the lovely Duchess Clitoressa of Natescourt, appears for Tea and Crumpets on FOX-News, all the American Women viewers Snatch up their Skirts to protect themselves from Contamination!

Sylvia Plath and Anne Sexton: The Messengers Nip & Tuck

They alert Dame Poetry to women they might recruit into Sapphic Enlightenment: “We want to let you know there is loose in Town a Pair of Poets who are crying from Corner to Niche in that lamenting counter Sapphic Voice that sounds to us like a Sister Lost. For certainly it’s not the Whine of Motherhood, but a more Mystic, Sodden Sighing. Surely Dame Poetry you can repair such Damaged Goods?”

“It shall be done,” Dame Poetry proclaimed, “and done most wily well. One shall be Gassed, the other dumped down a Well of Loneliness. And then the World will be Safe and Str8t once again…”