THE TALKING ASSHOLE 

“Did I ever tell you about the man 
who taught his asshole to talk?”
—William Burroughs, NAKED LUNCH
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Did I ever tell you about the man—
who taught his asshole how to talk?

Actually it was the other way around—
his asshole taught him to talk instead
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He was really good at it—
farting away grand speeches on TV

It was unlike anything ever heard—
or smelled before such a shitty syntax!!!
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His asshole talked with such fluency—
his colon was tres intelligentsia

He worked for this traveling carnival—
at first a novelty ventriloquist act
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After awhile he started talking to himself—
his ass would ad lib & toss out gags

But his asshole got bored with all that—
eating through his pants out on the street
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Shouting out it wanted equal rights—
all pouty & puckered up in farting jags

Bitching that nobody loved it & wanted—
to be kissed like any other pair of lips
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The guy couldn’t stop his talking asshole—
it went on & on ranting day and night

You could hear it for blocks away—
people screaming for it to shut the fuck up
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The guy threatened his asshole saying—
I’ll stick a fucking dildo in you, then what?

You’re the one that’s gonna shut up—
the talking asshole said back to the guy
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I don’t need you anymore because—
I can talk and eat and SHIT if I want to!!!

After that the dildo shut him up good—
but when the guy had to shit, WATCH OUT!!!
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So anyway, the talking asshole shut up—
cause one thing it needed was a pair of eyes

It trapped the guy though one day—
getting an organ transplant on the sly
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Viola!!! The first talking asshole with an eye—
It walks!!! It talks!!! It can even see!!!

That’s when the asshole squeezed its cheeks—
and ran for an office in local politics
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It started out just being Mayor of Shitville—
but you know ambitious Assholes can be…

Jaysus christ, pretty soon he was on TV—
CNN & FOX-News went hog-wild over him
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He even stooped to conquer—
letting Rachel Maddow kiss his lips

Lady Gaga couldn’t wait to finger him—
getting her forefinger all the way up there
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He bit it off with his razor hemorrhoid teeth—
Justin Bieber was gonna be fuckin next

The end result was simply horrifying—
all the world’s assholes suddenly revolted
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A whole new bourgeois bunghole Bureaucracy—
had to be quickly invented right then & there

No time for any more dithering diarrhea—
after all, who’d been sitting there forever?
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There on the THRONE day after day—
Kings, queens, peons, the usual gangsters

But who really knew the fine red line—
between life and death at the final end?
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It was the worldly humble meek Asshole—
constantly taking care of the dirty shit

Empires come & go, States collapse—
but it’s the Asshole who rules in the end
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Proud & tall & built like old Shit-houses—
lonely out there on the lonely prairies

Prim & proud, sleek marble rims for the—
Emperor Caligula’s fine wicked tender ass
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Ah yes, it’s an altogether different history—
once you start seeing things differently

So you ask me whatever happened—
to this guy’s troublesome Talking Asshole?
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Listen closely, cause I’ll only fart this once—
it’s tres secret and truly hush-hush

Welcome to my ASSHOLE PLANET—
guess who sits on the Throne now?