The Study
Sitting there in my study—I don’t
actually feel like a great Master of modern English Fiction at all. I feel more
as if I were engaged in what would surely happen once death claims all of me
that could die, the half-finished Mystery of Edwin Drood manuscript there on my
desk.
The Drood story possesses a quality
far beyond all my other novels—even beyond the estimation of all the literary
critics. There is a sympathetic eloquence to any incompleteness I suppose—more
preciously suggestive of myself as an incomplete man more than anything.
I have none of the supposed immortal
Writer's grand personality that is in so many other novelists—my own lowly
genius has never been able to complete anything. I’ve always been hopelessly
incomplete.
Perusing my work with an
understanding of the intimate relations existing between intellectual endeavor
and physical and moral passivity has never got me anywhere. It’s a positively
painful interest, trying to find some revelation of the tired Worker slaving
away at his Work.
It’s a noble dream, I
suppose—striving to encompass the round fullness of a living reality from a
dying dream. I suffer from the occasional unconscious despair of having no
prophetic instinct—involuntarily showing fate-struck Nature upon the page as
the evening shadow of faltering Art.
But after Staplehurst, I realize
everything is purely chance—the words I write down here in my study are simply
spontaneous dribblings of chance and circumstance. A toke of my pipe does only
one thing—bringing all of my Characters back into this room with me. I am a
Fiction—as surely as them.
This Story, opening with an elaboration of masterly
purposeless pursuit of opiate fantasy and escape, took a great deal of strength
and intense writerly concentration for long hours enduring counterfeit
emotions, supposedly spontaneous but not really.
Opium is more an escape from myself and them—than simply
losing myself in another set of imaginative adventures and devious characters.
This time with Edwin Drood all the characters have come back to visit me—here
in my study in Gads Hill Place. All of them critical of my choice of Drood—all
of them warning me of the halting power of the Story-teller that surely will be
the end waiting me.
My pen turns intractable and prone to wander beneath my
relaxing hand uncertain of its former cunning. Edwin Drood shows my once
indomitable mind—unconstrained almost convulsively fleeing to a greater light
because of the approaching shadow of my body's dissolution.
Darkening premonitions are throwing a shadow of another
deeper guilty shade on me—defining the wavering mimic scene that terrible day
when the first seven carriages of the train plunged over the cliff—while the
only first-class carriage to remain on the track was the one I was traveling
in.
But with me was Ellen Ternan who had lived with me secretly
for 13 years of my life. I managed to avoid an appearance at the inquest and
avoided disclosing that I’d been traveling with Ternan and her mother which
would have caused a scandal.
I later used this experience as material for my short ghost
story “The Signal-Man”—in which the central character has a premonition of his
own death in a rail crash. I also based the story on several previous rail accidents—such
as the Clayton Tunnel rail of 1861.
But nevertheless, even though physically unharmed, I never
really recovered from the trauma of the Staplehurst crash—and my normally
prolific writing shrank to trying to complete The Mystery of Edwin Drood. It
too will remain incomplete like my whole life subsequent to the Staplehurst
tragedy. Feeling guilty for having survived the crash—and feeling guilty for my
shamelessly illicit relationship with Ellen Ternan.
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