Sunday, August 28, 2011

Baby Boy II


Archie is heading back to his bedroom. Baby Boy appears in a flimsy pink kimono with lavender flamingos on it. She makes a turn of the hallway crossing into the bathroom.

(We hear the shower go on.)

Archie: You don’t hear nothin I say! How do I catch your attention? What does a guy gotta do to get your attention, Baby Boy?

(On an abrupt impulse he suddenly enters the bathroom. Sounds of a struggle. Baby Boy shouts.)

Baby Boy: “Keep your hands off me! Keep your hands off…OFF!”

(Archie Lee comes out of the bathroom soaked wet. The shower is turned off. Baby Doll’s head comes out past the door.)

Baby Boy: “I’m gonna move to the Kotton King Motel, the very text time you try to break the agreement! The very next time!

Archie: You’re gonna go to town like that?

Baby Boy: Like what?

Archie: In that hustler outfit. Those awful bluejeans cutoffs. Hanging down off your ass. Down to your pubes in front. That shameless body T-shirt. Flaunting it! Advertising it! With your nice flat tummy so everybody can see it. But if I dare touch it, you with your modest nature, you start squawkin like some old fuckin hen!

Baby Boy: Yeah, but you’re sure doin all the squawkin, now, Archie Lee.

Archie: Why don’t cha just go nekkid and let the whole town see ya?

Baby Boy: Well, my Sugar Daddy before I met you, bought me anything I wanted. In fact, I bought my own trousseau when I hooked up with you AND paid for it with my Big Daddy’s insurance money. I just gotta wear these skintight clothes since you don’t get me nothin to wear. Either that or just go plain nekkid into town!

Archie: Aw, for christ sake, hell. Will ya git into th’ car?

(Their voices are echoed by the clucking, pecking chickens in the front yard.)

Baby Boy: Aint you gonna walk around over here to open the door for me like a gentleman?

Archie: What gentlemen? Nothing here but us dumb chicken clucking around this dumpy joint.

Baby Boy: I swear, my Big Daddy would turn over in his grave, if he heard the way you talk to me, Archie Lee.

Archie: If your goddamned Big Daddy flopped around in his grave as much as you say he does, he’d plow up all the graveyards from here to Biloxi! Now get in the goddamn car…

(Baby Boy is insulted by Archie Lee's talking to him that way. So, he whirls around on his expensive high heels and struts down the driveway. At the road he assumes a hitchhiker’s stance, sticking his thumb out and showin’ a little leg. A big slinky Cadillac shows up outta nowhere. It skids to a sudden stop and the door opens. A leering old chicken queen ogles out at Baby Boy. Archie comes running down the driveway, shouting obscenities at the nefarious interloper trying to pick up his Baby Boy doll. The queen in the Cadillac slams the door and takes off, plunging both Baby Boy and miffed Archie Lee in a huge dust-cloud of fumes and awful curses.


They are jolting down the road.

Archie: Baby Boy, y’know they’s no torture on earth to equal the sheer, unadulterated shame and torture that a cold-hearted boy like you can inflict on a man when you won’t let him even touch you??!!! No torture in heaven or hell can possibly compare with what you're doin to me, Baby Boy! What am I gonna fuckin do? What have I done to deserve this kind of unrequited love? Livin in a big old mansion, my cotton gin business gone to hell and 5 sets of furniture not paid for yet? Plus a Big Daddy loverboy who just won't put out? Oh Lordy, wonder I'm a goddamn wreck.

Baby Boy: You done bit off more than you can chew, Big Daddy.

Archie: Everybody knows what’s been goin on between us. Yestiddy on Main Street a man yelled at me, “Hey, Archie Lee, has y’boy outgrowed his baby boy crib yet? And then a bunch of other guyz at the bar just laughed and laughed, they done hee-hawed at me like I was a dumb fool! I had to fuckin blush and sulk my way down the street all because of you! And I’m a grown man, too!

(Baby Boy’s in the back seat, her beads, necklaces, tit-rings, nose-rings and earrings jingling like a circus pony’s harness.)

Baby Boy: Private humiliation can be just as painful, Archie Lee. Pull over here and get me an ice cream cone at the drug store.

Archie: Well, Baby Boy! You listen to me! I can tell you one thing for sure. You aint gonna be sleepin in no crib tomorrow night, Baby Boy Blue, cause we gonna be celebratin your birthday big time, little smartypants!

Baby Boy: If they move out those five complete sets of furniture from your lousy joint, I’m gonna still be sleepin in my crib cause the crib’s done been paid for. I’ll sleep in that goddamn crib – or I’ll sleep on top of Aunt Rose’s refrigerator. But I aint gonna be sleepin with you, that's the truth, Archie Lee Whine Puss!!

Archie: That reminds me. I’ve been meanin to talk to you about your stinkin old crazy Aunt Rose Comfort. I’m not in a position to feed and keep her skinny ass anymore… I'm gonna ship her off to the Home where she belongs. And then we're gonna get down to some serious business... you and me, sweetheart.

Baby Doll: Lookie here, Big Shot... the day Aunt Rose Comfort has to move outta that dumpy old mansion is the day I move out too!

Archie: C’mon, Baby Boy, honey, please don't talk to me that way. We just gotta dump all that extra baggage like your Aunt Rose Comfort… Aunt Rose can’t cook or clean or do nothin around the house… All she does is cackle like an old hen and scream her head off whenever the fuckin phone rings…

Baby Boy: If you don’t like Aunt Rose Comfort’s cookin, then get yourself some colored cook from town. She cooks okay, once a week or two. Her fried chicken is yummy... even though it's Colonel Sanders take-out. I can tell ya one thing, Archie Lee. I’m certainly not gonna cook for a fat old pig like you, money wouldn’t pay me…

(Archie leans back and whacks Baby Boy on the side of the head, backhanding him but good. And gets ready to do it again, if the wiseass kid opens his wiseass mouth again…)

Baby Boy: OUCH!!! Hey, cut that out!!!

Archie: Don’t you ever call me a big fat pig, you little male slut.

Baby Boy: “Well, why don’t cha get young and thin again, and maybe I’ll quit callin you a big fat PIG! What’s buggin you now, Archie Lee?

(Three moving vans rumbling past them outta town, heading toward Archie’s old dumpy mansion. Each big truck has big yellow lettering on the sides: IDEAL PAY AS YOU GO PLAN FURNITURE COMPANY).

Neither Archie or Baby Boy say anything. They just stare back at the trucks and then ahead, bouncing along in their ratty, beat-up Buick convertible.

Baby Doll: I’m gonna move to the Kotton King Motel. I’m going to move to the Kotton King Motel…

Archie: No you’re not, honey, you don’t got no money.

Baby Boy: I’m gonna get a job. The manager of the Kotton King Motel likes me, he’ll give me some kinda work.

Archie: What kinda job you think he’ll give you? Havin you give him a BLOWJOB, Miss Smarty Pants?

Baby Boy: I could curl hair in a beauty parlor or polish nails in a barbershop. I could be a roller-rink queen or a waitress on skates at the Root Beer Float Drive-In. I could...

Archie: Ah, shut up! Get real, kid. You’re just a dumb cluck and worthless as can be. That’s why you ended up with me. You didn't have nowhere else to go, when your former Sugar Daddy done kicked the bucket!

Baby Boy: Don't you talk about my Big Daddy, that way!

Archie: Jesus christ, did ya even put out for him at all? Or did ya just stall around like ya been doin with me, little Miss Pretty Pants?

Baby Boy: I could be a cashier at the Creole Casino in Pascagoula...

Archie: You can’t count change. You aint got no brains, kid.

(They stop to see Archie’s doctor. Archie needs some stronger sedatives. He also needs some Viagra for the big event coming up. He was couning down the hours and minutes and seconds, planning to have a real good time celebrating Baby Boy’s birthday… and his forthcoming honeymoon no matter what. That goddamn crib better have good fuckin springs, cause by the time they'd get back home just about all the furniture would be long gone. Archie Lee goes in for his appointment, while Baby Boy saunters past the goodlookin dentist leering at her. She pretties herself up like she be getting ready for an interview, then makes a phone call.)

Baby Doll: Kotton King? This is Baby Boy McCorkle. I wanna reserve a room for tomorrow morning and I want to register under my maiden name, which is Baby Boy McCorkle. My daddy be Mister T-Bone McCorkle who passed away last summer when I got married and he was a very close personal friend of the manager of the Kotton King Motel – you now – what’s his name…

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