Wednesday, August 21, 2013

Real Gay Housewives


What the world needs is a return to the good old early TV Soap Opera days. Updated to inspire all us new “Real Gay Housewives” & our daily travails.

A new Soap Opera inspired by the same old bad lighting, tinny voices, snarky scripts and fake domestica Americana of yesteryear’s crummy tacky TV Soaps & Flicks. 

Like Susan Hayward’s tres comic-tragic famous wig scene in “Valley of the Dolls”…

Helen Lawson: You oughta know, honey, you just came out of the nuthouse.
Neely O'Hara: It was not a nuthouse!
Helen Lawson: Look. They drummed you right outta Hollywood! So ya come crawlin' back to Broadway. Well, Broadway doesn't go for booze and dope. Now you get outta my way, I got a guy waitin' for me.
Neely O'Hara: That's a switch from the fags you're usually stuck with!
Helen Lawson: At least I never had to MARRY one!
[pulls off Helen's wig while scuffling]
Neely O'Hara: ... oh my God, it's a wig! HER HAIR'S AS PHONY AS SHE IS!

Yes, my dears, a “Real Gay Housewives” series that isn’t just entertainment for devoted fans like me — but rather an entire all-absorbing Soap of Gay Pride and flaming Homonormative Passion!!!

Will Denise ever find happiness—with her next cosmetic surgery? Will she ever get rid the all those show-and-tell wrinkles that reveal all her secrets?

You know, the kind of Soap that is continually descending down into those tacky tear-jerker Soaps like all those “women’s pictures” during the Lana Turner era. 

A modern Gay Soap Opera inspired by those TV soap operas from the 1950s on. It could even lead into some blockbuster prime-time soaps like “Dynasty” and “Knots Landing” outta the 1980s!!! 

Gay daytime soap writers need to get uppity and stop craving respectability in the Soap Industry and Str8t World. They need to veer off into the flamboyant Trash and Flash that once endeared them to their devoted American Audiences.

Gay marriages, my dear, will sooner or later lead to the same ennui and boredom—just like all the usual ho-hum bourgeois str8t marriages end up becoming.

Gay soaps need to be committed to stopping gay slow suicide by boredom that’ll surely descend on gay marriages in the future. Maybe it takes something like outta the 1990s, when mainstream audiences were flocking to movies about over-the-top drag queens like “Priscilla, Queen of the Desert.”

“Real Gay Housewives” needs to understood the soul of soap opera as a female genre — its tender emotions, ruthless rivalries and theatrical sexual exhibitionism. Soaps are a major diva mode. 

“Real Gay Housewives” needs to be a feast for the eyes — with some truly revealing and  amazing camerawork plus some deft narrative editing. 

Like lots of melodramatic swishing back & forth — with rapid scene-setting, revelatory reaction shots, touches of realism in how gay people get out of cars or shop or order a cocktail. 

“Real Gay Housewives” needs to rediscover that old Hollywood flair for knowing how to situate bold, dynamic personalities in tangible four dimensions — from chic or glitzy interiors to exhilarating landscapes. 

This is contemporary gay cinematography at its sparkling best.

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