Sunday, December 30, 2012

Queer Cinema Theory


“I’m seeing you 
as you really are
for he first time”
—Joan Crawford in
“Mildred Pierce” (1945)

“Just how notorious is Joan 
Crawford’s gay Cult status?”
—David Halperin, “The Passion
of the Crawford,” How to Be Gay

Baby Boomer Bijou
Curse Of The Cat Woman
Young Frankenstein
The Wasp Woman
The Bride Of Frankenstein
Dracula’s Daughter 
I Sucked Off A Zombie
Sorry Wrong Number
Glen Or Glenda


And so, here I am at the Bijou—
Soon it will be a Bingo Parlor

My Baby Boomer days are over—
I’m the last Baby Boomer Badboy

The old Snake Pit Drive In Theater—
Gone like Vegas Elvis the Pelvis

No more hot Sexploitation skin flicks—
Like Creature from the Black Lagoon

Gone like the Giant Gila Monster—
And the campy Devil Girl from Mars

Attack of the Giant Shrews so bad—
And the awful Atom Age Vampires

The thriller I Walked With A Zombie—
Werewolf In A Girls Dormitory

The cheesy Plan 9 From Outer Space—
The Attack of the Giant Leeches 

No more Saturday night booze & dope—
Getting a Blowjob in the backseat

Gone all those high school basketball games—
Cruising up & down the town’s Main Drag

I got married to The Wasp Woman—
I ended up The Man Made Monster

I live in The House on Haunted Hill—
Don’t Look in the Basement cause I’m there


It happens sometimes you meet somebody—
And go home with them for some drinks  

You may go to bed with them & then find out—
They’re a troublesome Transylvanian Trick

Their Slutty eyes glitter, they Slink & Swish—
They’re pretty but deadly Predatory Panthers

You find out they’re tormented with the—
Curse Of The Cat Woman and doomed

They have a Tendency to claw to death—
Anybody they might fall in love with

They stalk the dark streets at night—
They cruise for guys in the shadows

And when you ask “Who’s there?”—
It’s already much too late, my dear


Young Frankenstein has escaped the Castle—
Where the Baron put the make on him

He was much too cute & good-looking—
To waste on some Bride of Frankenstein

Some bitchy sewed-together Elsa Lancaster—
Who didn’t get off on butchy Monster Meat

“Gimme a break,” the Kid Monster said—
“That living Dead pussy’s a real drag man!”

“She’s wearing my neck-knobs out— 
All the Way down to the fucking nub.”

Why waste a nice big ugly Killer Dick—
It once belonged to a Mongoloid Idiot

The mob was pounding at the gates—
They wanted to get Fucked by the Freak

The kites were flying from the parapets—
The electricity was Zapping & Sizzling

Herr Doktor Pretorius pulled the Lever —
The Castle of Frankenstein Blew Up!!!


The Wasp Woman was a real Bitch—
Talk about Grande Dame Guignol Kunt

She had cruel heartless lascivious Lips—
She had a mean Stinger for a Tongue

She needed a young guy’s brainstem—
She’d pierce him and suck him dry

She survived from Casual pickups—
She wasn’t picky about her tricks

Once she imbibed the Sex Serum—
She became a foxy young Chick again

She never needed any face lifts—
She sucked the Fountain of Youth dry

She developed a bad case of obscene—
Puffy Giveaway Greedy Foreskin Harelips

Too much teenage male testosterone—
But she was addicted to the Hormones

She needed them young, dumb and—
Full of Cum not to be a Hag again


If I was the Bride of Frankenstein—
I’d scream bloody murder just like her

The look on Elsa Lanchester’s face—
Says it all, my dears, and even more

Born Karloff wasn’t a Goodlooker—
Then tho he had a nice big Schlong

His neck bolts were sizzling hot—
The kites in the Storm zapped him good

Ernst Thesiger had amputated just the—
Right well-endowed Killer Cock for the job

A vast Legion of Indecency on the march—
An Army of young Frankenstein Clones

So we ditched the whole Heteronormative—
Monster Marriage Fucking Game Plan

Perverted Genetic Reverse Engineering—
Sidestepped Elsa for our test-tube Marines


If I were Dracula’s Daughter—
I’d be one hot Dyke Bloodsucker

If I were the Son of Dracula—
I’d be one famished Cocksucker

Lesbos is looming down in the Crypt—
Young pussy just isn’t safe these days

Dracula rubs his cold hands together—
Vampire daughters make the best Fag Hags

The Count uses his Slutty Vamp Vixen—
To lure young sailors to their doom

Young male bar crawlers have been—
Known to simply disappear in thin air

They end up getting sucked dry—
Down in Dracula’s dirty dungeon

Dracula loves to Titillate his Tonsils—
With tasty spastic Last Dickwads  

He’s a Jack the Ripper for those—
Street hustlers and cheap tricks 


Director Tourneur didn’t have to—
Tell me how to do the Zombie movie

“I Walked With a Zombie”—
Was my kind of Queer Cinema

Darby Jones was just my type—
I craved catatonic Carib cock

That old Black Magic was right—
Up my Dark Alley, baby

I loved Hoodoo Voodoo Guys—
Doing Jones in the dark Cane Fields

It had jizzy “Jane Eyre” jive—
And lotsa Val Lewton drums

When I sucked off my first Zombie—
I nearly fainted with Mandingo love

I can still taste the Undead jizz—
The Zombie spunk on my lips


I was always pretty good at it—
Picking the Wrong Number at the Bars

Most were very disappointing—
Others rolled and robbed me

I was a naïve sucker for rough trade—
I’d get done Bad every fucking time

There’s something about male femme fatales—
They make me a Victim of Dark Fag Noir

I don’t cruise the bus stations anymore—
Cheap white trash in Volunteer Park

I don’t cruise the Clubs anymore—
Capitol Hill gentrified by rich Str8ts 

I’m like Barbara Stanwyck now—
I can hear that last Wrong Number

Crawling up the stairs to get me—
Gonna Strangle my scrawny throat


A Grande Dame Guignol Has-Been—
Ed Wood Schmaltzy Auteur Esquire

Queen of Hollywood Kitschy Cinema—
The ultimate trashy Contessa of Camp

Director of Plan Nine From Outer Space—
In the tradition of Bella Lugosi Horror

The lights, the amah, the premiers—
It was all Night of the Locusts anyway

Dumpy old drag queens with their—
Blue rinse frizzy shiny balding heads 

Salvaging old costumes for street clothes—
Does anyone remember Ed Wood Jr.?

What a dump you’d probably say—
All those faggy flicks long gone now

Glen or Glenda his drag classic movie—
What if he saw “Birdcage” or “Baby Jane”?

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